How to help your children through divorce

Divorce can be very difficult for everyone involved. It can take its toll physically, mentally, and emotionally. There is a lot more to consider when children are involved in a divorce. They need to go through their own processing.

Children tend the think the world revolves around them until they get older. So it's easy for children to take it personally and think that it was because of them that you are getting a divorce.

They need constant reinforcement that it was not their fault and that you and your spouse simply can't live with each other any longer. You also need to let them know that you both love them very much and will continue to love them very much for the rest of their lives.

For the sake of your children you need to put aside your anger and hard feelings toward your spouse and try to work out a peaceful solution. Your agreement about how to handle custody should also take into consideration your children's wishes. Be the example of maturity for your children and strive to do what's best for all concerned. Handling the details on your own is much better than having a bitter and expensive court battle where the only winners are the attorneys.

Try to be as cooperative with your spouse as possible, short of violating your values. Keep in mind that you are teaching your children by your actions more than anything else. Do you want them to witness you being vengeful and spiteful or reasonable and compassionate.

If your spouse doesn't want the responsibility to co-parent your children then try to get them to totally release custody to prevent them from coming back in the future and creating havoc for you and your children.

Children are a lot more intelligent and resilient than you realize. Talk to them like a young adult, not an "incapable of comprehending" child. They will discover the truth sooner or later anyway. Tell them the truth and how they're going to be affected. Giving them some advanced warning will help them to be prepared for the upcoming changes that will take place. Reassure them that you love them and always will.

Try not to blame the other spouse or put them down in front of your children. They are their other parent, after all. Let them know that they can count of both of you (if that's the case) to take care of them. Explain to them that you both did the best you could with the knowledge and experience you possessed at the time to try to work it out. But you couldn't work it out and so agreed that you need to live apart.

It's very common for children to try and get their parents back together again. You should tell your children very clearly that there is nothing they can do to get you back together again.

Encourage them to be as open and honest about the situation as possible. Don't be afraid to talk about the situation with them. If you think you or they need cognitive therapy, get cognitive therapy. This experience will show them that all humans are fallible - nobody's perfect - but there is still a lot to live for and to be thankful for.

You don't have to give them too much information. You don't have to worry them about things they can't control. You want them to understand what's going on and how they can make the best of the situation.